Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can experience, so how can we get back in touch with the empowered woman within?
When we get married, we don’t think of the possibility of it ending. And with good reason. After all, no-one goes into a marriage with the expectation of divorce. Sadly, it becomes a reality for many of us, with the UK divorce rate currently at around 9 out of 1000 marriages.
For many, it’s a long, drawn-out process involving couples counselling or psychosexual therapy. For others, it’s a sudden event following adultery or abruptly realising you’ve grown apart. Either way, it is not easy to deal with. And it doesn’t seem to matter whether the split is amicable or otherwise; it will still place a huge strain on everyone involved. Whether brought on by abuse, adultery or simply falling out of love, statistics alone will never tell the full story of just how it makes you feel.
Along with moving house, bereavement and severe illness, the breakdown of a marriage or long-term relationship is up there with the most stressful life events. You’ve likely experienced one or more of these before, most likely moving house, so you can draw on your experiences of how you kept your cool (and what set you off) as a base for navigating this new chapter of your life.
-Above all else, ensure you’re keeping tabs on your emotions, and listening to what your body and mind need each day. Try to remind yourself that you are strong and you will get through this.
No Woman is an Island
As one of the most trying life events we can endure, it’s understandable to cycle through a myriad of emotions, sometimes all at once.
This can include grief, loss, loneliness, panic, guilt and even relief. It’s crucial to let yourself feel these emotions and give yourself time to heal. Divorce can have you feeling like you’re alone. You’re not. Our minds have ways of playing tricks on us, especially when going through trauma. Reach out and speak to your loved ones. You don’t need to shoulder this alone. To paraphrase the old adage: no woman is an island.
Though it may feel like you’re stuck in this awful situation forever, do try to remember that it is not forever and the old cliche is true: time is a healer. Be patient with yourself and try to actively mitigate any guilt that may seep in. You are entitled to your emotions, whatever they may be.
(If you have been feeling consistently low for over 6 months, it’s time to get in touch with your GP, or contact an organisation like Samaritans.)
Rest assured that however you feel, you are not alone. Many others have been through it, or are currently doing so. Thankfully, with the internet, we have access to a wealth of experience and advice we can draw from.
In a deeply personal account, Kate of Kate on Thin Ice has shared her experience in a recent blog post. In this, she discusses the range of emotions she’s felt. In the 6 months since her marriage ended, she has found that things do indeed get easier to deal with:
“Things ease over time. I cry a lot less these days. I find myself much less resentful. I can talk to my children about their dad in a positive and stress-free way. I know I will grieve for the loss of such an important relationship forever. Just like I miss my parents, now deceased, all the time. That does not mean that I cannot be happy.”
This makes a brilliant point of bearing with it and trying to look to the future. Kate’s whole post is educational and incredibly emotive. I recommend reading it through when you have a moment. If nothing else, it will help you to feel less alone.
A friend of mine, Justine, has also kindly provided a detailed account of her own divorce:
“I ended my marriage because my husband was very controlling and I was extremely unhappy. Although I had thought about how I could do it I was scared to go it alone, make myself a single parent of three children with no income of my own. I felt trapped.
“Things got worse and worse and I slipped into depression until one day, just a chance spiteful comment was the final straw. I asked myself the question, at 35 years old, would I look back at 60 and regret never having taken that chance. The answer was a resounding yes.
“So I found myself as a single mum of three girls. Things were tough, I was on benefits, my eldest daughter went off the rails, as did I for a little while.
“Time passed, I got a job, money got better and I realised how much happier I was, and how the girls were without the negativity around them.
“He walked away completely from them and cut all contact after a year.
“16 years on, all four of us are happy, settled and I have never for a single second regretted my decision even though I have been to hell and back.
“My advice to all is, if you are not happy, and you have given up trying, do yourself a favour and give yourself a chance. However hard it is, don’t sacrifice your future on someone that doesn’t deserve you. The future is an open book who knows what your next chapter could be!”
Justine brings the future perspective into her decision making, which I think is so important. Whatever your current situation, it will almost definitely improve in the future and doing something about it may be scary, but your future self will thank you for it.
Another friend, Rae, reiterates that time is key in the healing process, as it was so crucial in her own:
“It took me a long time to recover from the trauma of divorce (for me and my children) and settle into a new normal. My confidence and self-esteem took even longer to develop!
“But I eventually plucked up the courage to start socialising, in person and online. The moral of the story is: give yourself time to recover. As much time as you need.”
The consistent theme in these accounts is to be kind to yourself. That kindness could be shown by making a difficult decision or simply being patient with yourself.
Focus on You
Once you’ve come to terms with the initial shock of your new situation, you’ll find yourself with time to take stock. You’ll need to focus on life admin, likely with more to consider. The first thing you’ll usually want to consider at this point is your finances. But this obvious stressor needn’t be the only thing you focus on. Use your energy wisely and factor in a few moments for yourself each day to focus on you. Here are 5 great ideas to get you going. Choose any of the below to begin with, and slowly try to schedule in whichever combination works best for you.
- Feel Your Feelings
As mentioned above, allowing yourself time to feel and heal is crucial when processing any traumatic event. And I don’t mean wallowing, just to be clear. I mean letting the feelings happen and learning from them. Stifling emotions may be necessary in certain situations, like work or in front of children, but to constantly push them back will likely lead to an explosion of feelings. Confide in those you love and trust.Let your emotions out in a safe environment.
- Keep Busy
Having time alone in the house can be daunting at first, so it’s useful to find something interesting to pass the time. Whether you’re co-parenting or you’re now living alone, filling your time with a hobby you’ve always wanted to try is a great idea (or try everything, as advised in this Guardian piece) . Do be careful not to over-do it and overwhelm yourself, though. Pick one thing at a time, and start with the basics. It could be painting, gardening or writing blogs or poetry. A creative outlet is healing, and you never know whose lives you’ll brighten in the process!
- Speak To Others
Gaining insight from your peers is always valuable. You may not always have someone in your inner circle with first-hand experience, but even an outside view or a shoulder to cry on can help you to feel less alone. You’ll also find that you have all this energy and love that you’re used to putting on your ex-partner, now with nowhere to go. This is the perfect excuse to suggest regular catch-ups with your favourite people, or reconnecting with those friendships that may have been neglected. There are loads of resources available online, such as Kate on Thin Ice’s blog, mentioned above.
- Rediscover yourself:
The term “finding yourself” has become associated with trips up mountains and unending meditation. This is absolutely not necessary to rediscover the real you! You could start by spending a bit more time in your own company, trying out a new routine or just investing in your own self-care. Now, self-care has become synonymous with bubble baths and a skincare routine - and with good reason! But truly caring for yourself goes beyond the obvious. Ensuring you’re eating nutritious foods, (despite fluctuation in your appetite, which is perfectly normal at this time) and taking care of your mental health is just as important. Sometimes the small things can add up to big changes, which leads on nicely to…
- Treat Yourself
If your love language is gift based, it can be hard to get used to not having anyone to buy you presents. The best way to get around this? Treat yourself! Take yourself out on a date to that restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, buy yourself flowers, run yourself a luxurious bubble bath and update your wardrobe. We tend to dress in a way that reflects how we feel about ourselves, so don’t be shocked if your usually colourful wardrobe is much more subdued in the early days. Once you feel ready, treat yourself to an updated wardrobe and find your new style. Ditch any garments that make you feel less than powerful and replace them with some that do, right down to your undies!
If your love language is more affirmation based, try to keep a journal of your thoughts and purposely look for at least one positive each day. You could also try positive affirmations in the mirror. It can feel strange at first but as you get more comfortable with paying yourself compliments, you’ll find you don’t need anyone else to do so. Try it - it’s so freeing!
Can Beautiful Lingerie Really Help?
Yes, it can!
“But how?!” I hear you ask. Well, sometimes it’s the smallest things that have the biggest impact, and your underwear is one of those things. I’ve just mentioned the power that clothing has on our mood, and therefore self-esteem. Gorgeous underwear is no different!
It’s so empowering to go about your business with your head held high, knowing you’re wearing your best underwear for no reason other than to feel amazing. Those around you may not see the garment in question (unless you want them to!) but they will notice the change in you. The confidence you exude is palpable, and radiates to your other senses. You are a multi-faceted woman, after all.
Sex may be the last thing on your mind. Alternatively, you may be looking to get right back in the saddle, so to speak! There is no wrong or right in this respect, as long as you are being safe. There is a self-pleasure revolution happening right now, and what better to get yourself in the mood than donning some sexy lingerie and having an evening to yourself?
We at Bloomin’ Sexy believe that you deserve to feel powerful and sexy all the time. We have built our anti-chafe shorts around you. Your body, your wants and needs. We exist to bring you beautiful, high-end lingerie that boosts your self-esteem and self-confidence by embracing your natural curves and shape, rather than trying to change you. With our luxury lingerie shorts you’re reminded of how beautiful and sensual you already are.
Our unique shorts with anti-chafe satin thigh panels and lace trims are that first step to boosting your confidence and getting back in touch with the wonderful woman you are. Find your perfect style here.
Are you going through a divorce currently, or have you? What have you found that helps? Leave a comment to share or use our contact form to get in touch. We’d love to hear from you and help you to find your perfect underwear.